Second Guessing

19/Oct/2006

As you are probably not aware ( ::cough snort cough:: ) I’m a bit of a control freak. OH! Shocking isn’t it? Stop rolling your eyes. I promise not to talk about my hairy legs this time. But I am going to talk about the pregnancy. And my complete lack of control, whatsoever.

If there is any question that God has a sense of humor lemme tell you this: He does. She does. He/She is laughing his or her mighty ass off right now in pure joy and elation. It’s really funny if I think about it. How many times will I get knocked up because “I don’t think I’m ovulating” and “I don’t know my cycle” and “I think I’m getting the flu or something, I just don’t feel right.” In fact, how many times am I going to take a pregnancy test on Friday the 13th and have it be positive?

Hopefully not more than twice. What’s that saying? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’ll jump off the next bridge because MY GOD am I that retarted?” I paraphrase.

I had blood work done last week before we left town. Friday my numbers were 3,912 (HCG) and Sunday they were around 7,560 (HGC). This is great news. We are looking for a double in 48-72 hours and I tested about 42 hours apart. I bawled when the nurse told me the number. Actually, I haven’t stopped crying since.

I wake up hungry and I pee all the time. But then I’ll think I’m not hungry enough! I’m not sick enough! I’m not gagging enough! I’m trying to remember back to when, exactly, I became so debilitated with nausea I couldn’t stand to look at a TV or computer or any moving object. I’m trying to remember when I started leaving class three to five times to throw up. My graduate professors all mocked me because there I’d go again. Puking in the hall. Again.

The funny part that God keeps rolling on the floor over is that I have no earthly idea how pregnant I am. “I just found out I’m a little pregnant. I don’t know HOW MUCH pregnant yet, but I am!” This is my pat answer as of late. People roll their eyes, “You are either pregnant or not, you can’t be a little pregnant.” “Um. Didn’t you know? You CAN be a little pregnant.” I think since the miscarriage was August 28th, I believe I am a little pregnant. I will not be a lot pregnant for months and I will not be mostly pregnant until I see a heart beat. The first three days I talked myself out of caring if I had another miscarriage. It became obvious that I really did care when I got the call, the numbers look great and I bawled, “I don’t want anyone to take the baby away this time. Please don’t take the baby away” as Mr. Flinger held me and told me nobody is taking the baby away.

When I call him and tell him my boobs don’t hurt enough or that I just changed a diaper and didn’t gag he laughs. “Um. Are you crying?” :: sniffle :: “Is it obvious?” “Let’s call that symptom enough for now” :: sniffle :: “Ok. I’m just so.. :: sniffle :: happy :: sniffle :: to be pregnant :: sniffle:: ”

This is a daily occurrence. Be glad you’re not my husband.

It’s easy to second guess when I have no dates. I have no idea when this happened. I’m am blissfully in the dark. I can’t obsess. I have nothing to hold on to. No dates. No charts. No ovulation sticks. Just two (I only peed on two) very dark pee sticks and two great numbers. And I even threw the sticks away.

I really am making progress. I just wish I’d believe my body when it says it’s nauseated and not second guess my constant state of emotional distress. And if I calculated correctly, I’m due sometime in June. June. What a great month. Now, could you pass a tissue? I’m just so happy to be due at all.

:: sniffle ::

Hi

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Comments

  1. AWWWWWWW - I actually just teared up and sniffled right along with you.  I’m so happy you’re just a little pregnant.  Big big BIG HUGS!!!

    Good grief - you have so much going on right now, you have got to be so tired and stressed.  I would give you a hug if you were anywhere near.  We’re getting ready to move again - I swear, at some point we’ll probably cross paths with U-Hauls!

    Congrats!!

    By holli on 2006 10 19

  2. I am so happy for you and the whole family on this upcoming addition. Just like mr flinger said, your hysterical tears are a good sign!

    By denise on 2006 10 19

  3. Bob sounds just like Tom. A few weeks ago, when I was still “a little pregnant” and had nothing to prove things were going well other than sore boobs, they STOPPED hurting one day. I freaked all day long. That night, we went out to dinner at the macaroni grill. I ate soup, half a loaf of bread dipped in olive oil, a bowl of pasta and half a piece of cheesecake drenched in fudge. Tom looked at me and said, “And you think things aren’t going well?”

    As for when the more definitive symptoms start? I was wondering that myself this time because I wasn’t very detailed on my blog back then with Ben’s pregnancy.  I started puking at 6 weeks on the nose this time… but honestly? It really just got revved up the past two weeks (weeks 8-10). So you’ve probably still got a calm before the storm…. try to enjoy it. Crap. I wish *I* had. wink

    Sending lots of sticky prayers your way… though I’m confident this one is stuck like crazy glue. smile

    By Erin on 2006 10 19

  4. Don’t second guess!  Enjoy every crazy minute of it!  (I know, I know, easier said than done.)

    By Whitneyf1980 on 2006 10 19

  5. LOL!

    A big fat “I TOLD YOU SO!” Didn’t I tell you it would happen this way???

    My vote is for June 3 - my birthday!

    By Laura on 2006 10 19

  6. Yeah, she’s a little bit pregnant! And a LOT hormonal.  HOORAY!

    I’m just glad the little thing isn’t taking away your sense of humor (not yet anyway!)

    I just LUFF you!!!!

    By Little Miss on 2006 10 19

  7. Rofl.  You sure as heck sound pregnant.
    Good luck.

    By sue on 2006 10 19

  8. Just a little note - you’re busy unpacking and chasing a toddler - you may miss some symptoms this time around OR you may not get as pukey/sore/gaggy.
    Sounds like the emotional component is in full force! smile

    By AmyM on 2006 10 19

  9. Sneding prayers and happy thoughts!!

    By Amanda on 2006 10 19

  10. There is something about being pregnant that makes all women nuts!  I worried about everything, and I had never lost a pregancy.

    By Ficklechick on 2006 10 19

  11. I don’t know if I am alone, but with pregnancy #2 I missed a ton of things.  At times I was upset with myself for not giving as much attention to Ben’s pregnancy like I did with JB’s.  Having the running toddler has/had been a big distraction.  I hope that LB will be a distraction that allows you to bypass the pukey/yucky part, but not the other joys of growing a new little being!  I am so happy for you all.
    Jon says June 22nd, I say June 16th.  smile

    By traci on 2006 10 19

  12. Somewhere between June 7-10… that’s my guess. wink

    By Erin on 2006 10 20

  13. Caitlin is a June bug. June babies rock! Hang in there. It sounds like you are pregnant to me! wink

    p.s. stay away from googling symptoms…stay away from googling symptoms…

    By Jamie on 2006 10 20

  14. Yes, you most certainly CAN be a little pregnant, but I really hope you progress to very definitely absolutely pregnant shortly. I am hoping for a nice clear heartbeat in your future. Then you’ll have permission to actually moan and whine about your symptoms!

    By SaraS-P on 2006 10 20

  15. Just wanted to say congrats on the positive sticks & high numbers! So happy for you - I know its been rough the past few months.  Praying that you’ll be a lot pregnant soon & that LB will have a little sibling to run around with soon.  smile  Loved the birthday post - she’s a doll.  smile And I’m glad you’ve got Mr. Flinger - he sounds like a big sweetie, just like my hubbie.  smile  I know its stressful right now but to me it also sounds very exciting - a new house to decorate, a new nursery to fix up, new starbucks to discover… smile

    By Christy on 2006 10 20

  16. OHHH SWEETIE!  I have been gone WAY to long.  Congrats I am so happy for you!

    By Brandi on 2006 10 20

  17. I’m so happy for you ! Been through that after my miscarriages: I couldn’t wait for the little beating heart and the symptoms to be Bad (they never got as bas as the first time though)...Hang in there and Cheers you’re making a baby !
    A little unpacking to keep your mind busy ?

    By Mimi in Houston on 2006 10 20

  18. Aww…  I think this little one will stick.  And wake you up at 3am for years to come.  wink

    By Lanna on 2006 10 20

  19. Wow!! What news!  I am so very happy for you!

    By Holly on 2006 10 20

  20. This was such a great post! I heart you! I really liked reading about how LB came to be too. I had no idea you found out both times on friday the 13th. So happy for you XOXO

    By kelli on 2006 10 20