Sometimes, every so often, maybe, I quietly want another baby

21/Sep/2009

The children played together all weekend.

They are growing so quickly.

My daughter barely fits, all knees and legs, on my lap when I snuggle her.

My son has full sentences.

I feel like a person most days. A person with a job, a life, and a family.

It felt so far away at the time, when we started this, nearly five years ago.

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Now I can hardly remember my daughter’s reflux.

My son’s premature birth.

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My daughter’s inability to sleep more than 2 hours.

Ever.

My son’s long battle with ear infections.

Now all I can think of is the family that sits at the dinner table, each in a chair.

The children that wrestle.

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The people in the backseat who sing Old McDonald.

People I grew.

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Little people, still, but people.

Opinionated, Joyful, Sorrowful, Reading, Playing, Loving, Jumping.

People.

My mind whirls when I think of the past, the emptiness, the wondering.

These people are the people I didn’t know I needed.

Now I couldn’t be without them.

So sometimes, in the very quietest moments of the days when everyone is happy and well, I wonder….

Is there someone else I don’t know I need?

And would I die without knowing them?

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Comments

  1. If so, I’m sure you’ll find them and they will be much better for it!

    By Liz@thisfullhouse on 2009 09 21

  2. I often think to myself, after a long, drawn out session of self-reflection or pining for a daughter:
    “Don’t do it man.”
    But that’s me.  And you’re you.

    By Karen Sugarpants on 2009 09 21

  3. Oh oh oh, such a lovely post. I’ve been wondering a very similar thing lately. And, actually, now that you put it this way, I think there really *is* someone out there I need. Why else would I think of them so often?

    By shriek house on 2009 09 21

  4. Well said. Thanks for voicing what I’m sure so many of us moms feel—even those of us with one-year-old triplets. (Shhh! Don’t tell my hubby I said that!)

    Christy

    By Trippin' Mama on 2009 09 21

  5. Your post made me tear up a bit…what does that say? That I want another?  I think that that ship has sailed, but it does remind me to cherish every moment I can with the one that I have for time is fleeting.

    By Lynn on 2009 09 21

  6. With how much I’m sure you get tired, frustrated, and just plain ready to strangle as a mom (I am not speaking from experience other than what I’ve heard from my own mother), it’s really sweet to see a post filled with such amazing love for your children.

    It definitely shows me what I’m missing, even if I am so not ready to go there myself.

    By Janae on 2009 09 21

  7. You know how I answered that, but we were perfect in each before, and we’ll be perfect in each after, you know?

    xo

    By amanda on 2009 09 21

  8. I don’t have kids, and generally my husband and I are okay with this.  But every now and then…

    By Liz on 2009 09 21

  9. I get this. Completely. We actually decided this weekend that there is one more out there for us.

    I think you know when you are done. I think. So maybe you aren’t yet? Maybe there is room for one more chair?

    ps. they are absolutely beautiful.

    By Issa on 2009 09 21

  10. Issa, thank you. I can’t believe you’re going at it again! I think it’s exciting to make that decision. smile I don’t know if it’s our decision. Most days I know for a fact I’m done.

    Except sometimes….

    Liz, I think it would be as natural without kids to think sometimes.. as it is with kids to wonder what if I didn’t have any or what if I am not finished having them. Humans. So curious.

    Amanda, I know. You had three gorgeous girls. Not helping. raspberry

    Trippin’ Mama: YOU BE TRIPPIN’! LOL. But I swear around 1yr people start thinking, “maybe….” and then by two and a half you’re like, “WOAH! PEOPLE! WTF. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM.”

    shriek house please don’t come to me and remind me I tipped you over the edge to have one more when college tuition arrives. raspberry heh. Seriously, though. If you go for it, let me know! smile

    Karen, I’ve envied your no-diaper house for so damn long. I’m not even there yet. I remember you telling me to try that first. I should probably try it. Soon.

    Liz, of THIS FULL HOUSE, oh but you look so fucking fantastic with all those kids. And you’re fab at it. I doubt I’d look nearly as great.

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2009 09 21

  11. thank you so much for this post! I’ve been wondering the same thing myself. My son just turned three a little over a month ago.

    I cannot imagine that I will be able to love someone as much as I love him. I cannot imagine taking even the tinest bit of my love from him, my attention from him, and giving it to another person….and then I think, but is it really about me? What about him? what about giving him the chance to love something. The chance to be a big brother. to have a constant buddy, friend, partner in crime.

    I tell myself I am done. But I just bought three little Carter onesie’s at a garage sale. And I am NOT even remotely preggers. They were too cute. They were Eric Carle The Very Hungry Caterp. and I just wanted them. Just. In. Case.

    So thank you for posting this. For letting me know that I am not alone!

    By April on 2009 09 21

  12. We might be insane. Just a thought. Ha.

    By Issa on 2009 09 21

  13. Those last two sentences broke my heart. I’m pregnant with my first and now you have me worried I won’t ever know when my family is done growing! Thanks a lot wink

    By Kerri on 2009 09 21

  14. Holy flickin gorgeous kids you got.

    And the whole ‘growing up’ thing sucks balls.

    By Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on 2009 09 21

  15. Heh, be careful with that urge…  IME, if you don’t really feel you’re done, odds are things may happen and you’ll end up waddling around months later…  That’s happened to me twice now after our “planned” two kids and now we have to suck it up and join the minivan club.

    By Lanna on 2009 09 22

  16. It’s funny you saying how you can hardly remember some of your babies’ things.  I’m preggers with a second, and my first is now five - although that sort of stuff is in a compartment in the back of my mind, I’d kinda forgotten too. 
    Oh hell! What have I let myself in for?

    By Vic on 2009 09 22

  17. I’m right there with ya.  But I am way too old for a newborn now…
    Plus my hubby said no.

    By Missy Litzinger on 2009 09 22

  18. I want like 27 babies. So I’m not a good voice of reason.

    By Miss Grace on 2009 09 22

  19. ummm I am a month and a half pregnant with number four, and my husband swears we are done, and we are, for now grin I loved this post

    By DeAnn on 2009 09 22

  20. I didn’t feel done after I had my son, which led us to have our third baby. I still have moments of wishing I could have another, but for the most part I feel done.

    By Heather @ Cool Zebras on 2009 09 22