Speaking his language

03/Mar/2008

After knowing Mr. Flinger for nearly twenty years now, seven years of those married, six of those as best friends, and 5 years of dating, you’d think I kinda know the guy a bit. You’d think that. And you’d be right. Mostly.

For some reason I’ve been approaching this whole birth control thing completely wrong. I’ve been approaching it like a women, with logic and emotion. *We* don’t want to have children, so *we* need to find a solution that works for *us*. *We* need to get a cost effective/low impact solution. *We* don’t need the Mommy (hi) to be an emotional wreck from the hormones of Birth Control Pills (also? I can not be counted on to take them thus making their reliability around 2%) or the IUD*. *We* don’t like condoms. *We* don’t want an abortion. *We* don’t want to do this again. We’re happy. With two. A boy and a girl. Remember?

So why is it that The Other Solution isn’t discussed? Because he doesn’t want to discuss it. Because “he’s not ready for that” and “not man enough” and “someblatheringIcan’tunderstand”.

Then it hit me. A chart. I needed a chart.

Lo, I created a chart.

Remember back when we purchased our garbage can? Remember how

we he listed out twenty different ones? Then remember how we

he graphed my hormones during my miscarriage? Did you know he once asked me to rate my daily activities on a scale of one to ten before deciding to go back to Graduate School? You know, to quantify the decision?

Graphs. Charts. Engineer. :: Slaps Forehead ::

:: owie ::

So I decided to quantify the decision. And this is what I came up with.

image

Note in Figure A we have a cost ration per various solutions. Note that in Figure B, all birth control costs pail in comparison to the cost of raising a child as noted on Baby Center.

image

Here in Figure C we have the joy ratio of various birth control methods:

image

And here is the link I’m sending via IM to my husband as we speak.

http://drsnip.com

Did I mention the pocket knife? You get a pocket knife. Snip. Snip.

image

Maybe now I’ve talked his language, he will talk mine. BowChickaBowWow.


*A note about The IUD. I thought about this route. I thought long and hard. I thought I’d go this route but in order to do so, my doctor wants me to call The First Day Of My Cycle, which as you know, is completely unpredictable and irratic (because the ENTIRE internet knows this about me) and thus have been trying to get in for three months now. Three. Long. Sexless. Months.

**I didn’t even take in the anual cost of therapy the third child will bring, the cases of wine consuned before child reaches four, or the pregnancy tests I will continue to pee on until the snip is complete.

**For your further reading enjoyment.

****Links thanks to Michelle.

Hi

27 guests here now.

Comments

  1. LOVE the graphs!
    I guess I’m lucky in that Hubs OFFERED to get the snip…of course he has yet to DO it; he’s trying to fit it in between sports seasons (I guess it’ll be after baseball season now!)

    How did it go over with Mr. Flinger?  Do you need me to get Tim to talk to him?

    By Southern Mom on 2008 03 03

  2. I love the “Joy Factors,” and the fact that condom=zero. A-MEN.

    By Kerri Anne on 2008 03 03

  3. I must biggify Figure A and print it out [for my excuse-making husband]. At. Once.

    By mrs. f on 2008 03 04

  4. This is hilarious. Also I have found that babysitting is a pretty damn effective birth control. But I suppose the joy factor would be a big fat 0 because it also promotes abstinence.

    By Heather B. on 2008 03 04

  5. So, did the rational explanation work for him?

    My husband has offered to get snipped, but I’m the one wanting to wait just a little bit longer, to really make sure we’re done. I may be looking into the IUD, because condoms are no fun.

    By Christina on 2008 03 04

  6. Um, can I borrow those charts?!?  We’ve had some similar conversations over here…

    By LifeAsIKnowIt on 2008 03 04

  7. I believe this is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read in my whole life!  My husband would have totally gone for this.  I may steal this idea in 5 years when my IUD’s rent is up.

    By Jennifer on 2008 03 04

  8. Here’s wishing you luck as my “20 years of pills, 2 pregnancies, and 2 C-Sections seem like my share fair - it’s time you take some of this yoke darling” lecture doesn’t seem to work.

    My next tactic is going to be to to join forces with my neighbor. We’re going to make the two big sissy boys go together and hold hands.

    By Melizzard on 2008 03 04

  9. I love the graphs, too.  If he doesn’t get snipped, there’s always the option of getting your tubes tied.  It’s an outpatient procedure and most insurance covers it 100%.  I did it and have never (well, maybe once or twice since I started reading blogs) looked back.

    Now, when he does get snipped (because I have no doubt that he will when he sees your excellent graphs), make sure that you do still, y’know, be real careful for a while.  Those suckers hide - you can’t be sure until they’re all flushed out.  {wink}

    By Ree on 2008 03 04

  10. Oh girlfriend… mmmm-hmmmm.  You go girl.  RIGHT ON.  You can bet you damn bottom dollar that man’s gettin the “snip snip” option.  What, are you f’ing kidding me?  Here’s the equation as I see it:

    YOU:
    1.  Period every month most of your life
    2.  Hormones raging
    3.  Must endure gynecological exams, etc.
    4.  PPD (need I say more?)
    5.  Miscarriage trauma
    6.  GAVE BIRTH TO TWO HUMAN BEINGS OUT YOUR VA-JAY-JAY!
    7.  Body has been a physical/emotional war zone for many years due to the above.
    8.  Cook, clean, raise children, stay at home…

    HIM:
    1.  Goes to work
    2.  Maybe a finger in the butt once in a while for a prostate checkup.

    Okay, maybe this isn’t EXACTLY how it is at your house, but it’s pretty much how it is most of the time for us women.  So, FUCK YAH.  Sign him up.

    By Katie Kat on 2008 03 04

  11. Trust me, the snip is the only way to go.  Do whatever you have to to convince him.  It’s totally worth it. wink

    By Friglet on 2008 03 04

  12. Good luck.  I hope he goes for it.  Mine wouldn’t so *we* had a tubal ligation during the Csection with our third child.  I was so done. 

    By the way, they don’t tell you that there is increased chance of severe pain during ovulation with the tubal.  I had to learn the hard way.

    By Sleeping Mommy on 2008 03 04

  13. Two things helped hubby finalize his decision to get snipped.

    1) After four different people have come flying out of my uterus, his putting the birth control responsibility on ME when his getting snipped is so EASY made him seem like a total asshole.

    2) And the fact that I told him I wasn’t having sex with him ever again after four kids until he got his junk cut.

    Decision made.
    A weekend on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on his nuts and he was good as new.  Cost $20 co-pay.  Woot!

    By Sonia on 2008 03 04

  14. After two years of extreme nagging, my husband is getting his V in two weeks.

    I would be happy to chart his progress for your husband. I think it would look something like:

    Day One of V Joy Factor
    0

    Day Two of V Joy Factor
    1

    Day Three of V Joy Factor
    2

    Every Other Day of Your Life
    10+

    Not having your wife kill you:
    Priceless

    By Deb on 2008 03 04

  15. I keep hoping that we will find out that we or one of is suddenly sterile..maybe from standing too close to the microwave or something…this so that the decision no longer belongs to us.

    I am too old and too hormonal to think about all this stuff.

    By Crunchy Carpets on 2008 03 04

  16. Oh my goodness…Are we living parallel lives?  My hubby and I had this discussion AGAIN last night as I was rereading the side effects and issues that go along with the third set of birth control pills that I’m on.  We’re done with kids…it’s his turn! 

    Let me know what works for you…I may give my hubby the ol pocket knife scenario…I got a really cute pink one for Christmas!  : )
    Amy~

    By Amy on 2008 03 04

  17. I’m totally showing this post to my husband tonight. It’s brilliant! He cant argue with logic like you show here.  Not that he tries to actually argue about the whole vasectomy thing, just keeps “forgetting” to call his doctor to discuss it.

    By Carrie on 2008 03 04

  18. The fact that the IUD & vasectomy have a higher joy factor than raising a child is cracking me up.  That’s awesome.

    By AMomTwoBoys on 2008 03 04

  19. Do we share the same husband?  Mine is all about the graphs and charts, Excel spreadsheets and statistical calculations.

    Although in our case, we’ve LONG established that he is getting the snip when we’re done.

    By Mrs. Mustard on 2008 03 04

  20. The excel sheet & charts are awesome!
    *We* are talking about the same issue, and decided I’ll go on pill. Pill failed us once before, but we are ok with the risk of getting pregnant. I have an IUD now, and absolutely hate it. We are in our early 30’s and can’t really say “that’s it” - not just yet, so we are not ready for snipping.

    You can read about my IUD hell:
    http://skimbaco.blogspot.com/2008/02/im-in-birth-control-hell.html

    Good luck!

    By Katja on 2008 03 04