Survival of the Fittest (or how the human race keeps going on even when they are lil’ shits) *edited

30/Oct/2006

If you don’t believe in evolution, I think you’ll still agree with me on this one. We as a society have continued to evolve and grow and have a population explosion despite our children’s best attempt at making us throw them out the car window going 70 miles an hour on the freeway.

Lemme ‘splain.

Since the

Monster

toddler turned two, life has been… Interesting? No… um.. Wild? Yes, but.. Hell? YES! Hell.

She is coming in to her own. She MUST be the one to put on her shoes. She WILL be the one to not drink out of her straw, but rather open the lid and dump the precious expensive gold that is “Organic Valley Milk” on to her lap/carseat/books. She will refuse to walk when you ask her to, she’ll slump, boneless, when prompted to get in to the car and she’ll scream for hours in her crib instead of relaxing like Mommy could do if she would only SHUT UP for an hour or two. I’m just sayin’.

Today was one of “those” days.

Running errands with a toddler is less than enjoyable (and so my heart goes out to you people with a toddler AND an infant because I’d probably have to drive off a short cliff if I had to buckle the car seat twice as much while fighting the “ME HOLD IT ME HOLD ME!” child who would take thirty hours to strap herself in). She’s a wild animal past her nap time. She’s a cream de’leatute (or whatever) of tantrums and not-listening. She’s got the “seek and destroy” portion of war down pat and when prompted can take on an entire isle including a sales lady, two old women and a man in a wheelchair. She literally can have the place dismantled within seconds.

I couldn’t be more proud.

We ventured over to Kinko’s where people are conducting business of some type or another. My new trick is to dress in my work clothes so I feel more professional when I’m going to be around other people or when I know my child, the savage beast, may make me feel less than put together. At least I can have nice shoes and a matching choker. One can always feel good with the right shoes and accessories, I say.

So here I am trying to hold myself together and look as if I know a thing or two about behaving in public while The Child hops up and down the store and pulls most things off the shelf. I conduct my business, start walking her to the car when I notice her jeans are full of milk. (Either that or her pee has turned bright while and smells of cow utter.) I reach the car and notice the milk cup turned upside down on the floor next to my prescription and a few papers I need for the OB doc. Fantastic.

Once I wrestle her in to the car, we fight over the strap “ME DO IT ME DO IT” “MOMMY WILL DO IT!” and I start driving home. She’s crying. I’m crying. It’s a regular Oprah Audience.

Lemme spare you the tantrum details, the shoes thrown at me and the screams as we go up the stairs. I tell her she’s too tired to do anything but go to bed now. “POTTY! POTTY!” NO! NO POTTY! GO TO BED! Except this feels cruel so I let her sit on the potty.

And she pees.

I think God gives us these moments to prevent the entire species from dying off. The fact that a litte trickle of urine can turn a Mom’s entire focus from wanting to huck her kid across the room to doing the biggest party pee dance ever, is really why we keep going on as humans. The fact that your three week old gets those gassy smiles that make you think he really is looking in to your eyes with adoration and appreciation for the hours and hours you’ve been awake soothing him keep you from shoving the pillow over his face. This is how we, as mankind, have gone on for ages.

I’m sure during the caveman days some snotty little teenager came *this* close to getting her head bashed in to bits by a large wodden club just as she says, “Mom! I got an A on the test you helped me study for! Thank you so much for your help. I love learning!” and CaveMom stops the club, smiles, and goes about her business making dinner and thinking what a great child she helped spawn.

I’m not wrong. Trust me.

**Added: Thanks to Bloggy Gossip for the birthday wishes. Seriously. You people sure make hovering over the sink all morning not seem like such a bad day after all! XO

**Added even later: Thanks to Amalah for the Coffee Bean shout out. Curling up by the toilet is totally worth it because this lil’ guy (yes, I keep saying GUY) is already celebrated by gobs of people. And now I’m going to cry again...

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Comments

  1. Oh, my, gosh! You just described my 3-year-old daughter! Hope your day gets better!!

    By Ali on 2006 10 30

  2. I understand completely!  My lil’ 2.5 year old cutie in a denim dress and red tights got kicked out of Sunday School yesterday (not really kicked out but “she is hard for us to manage today”).  Apparently it was Bible story time and Maddie was NOT done with the kitchen set…

    As for your quote, “...so my heart goes out to you people with a toddler AND an infant because I?d probably have to drive off a short cliff….”  My response is, uh, honey, in a few short months you WILL have an independent-minded toddler and a newborn! (Me too in only 6 weeks-yikes!)

    Hope you (both) get a naptime this afternoon!

    By AmyM on 2006 10 30

  3. I may be crazy, I look forward to that mix of frustration and affection. I really does sound great (cue my mother shouting, “Oh, you say that NOW…”).

    By SaraS-P on 2006 10 30

  4. My 18 month old is going through the “terrible twos” early.  Take away LB’s ability to talk and express herself and you’ve got the “fun” I endure everyday.  Thank god I’m a VERY patient woman because some days….well, you get the idea.  And hubby wonders why, when he comes home, I’m tired and feeling “all touched out”...and just want to be left the F*** alone for 30 minutes to sit in a dark quiet room and pick up the pieces of my sanity.
    Anne

    By Anne on 2006 10 30

  5. Don’t worry just wait until she is 6 or so. It doesn’t really get a whole lot better, you just don’t feel as bad when you lock her in her room.

    By Nicole on 2006 10 30

  6. Amen.
    Mine’ll let me buckle him in to the seat, but half the time lately we’ll unbuckle him to go into the store or whatever and he’ll start screaming “back home! back home!” while flailing to get back into the car.  I can’t wait until the tantrums like this are a little less common.

    By lanna on 2006 10 30

  7. Oh, and the two in carseats?
    Get yourself a mai tei.  Now.  You’ll need it later on (possibly even before coffee bean’s born).  Much easier to wrestle the toddler when you’ve got the infant strapped on your chest or back and have both hands free to keep her from running headlong into traffic or whatever her penchant is.

    By lanna on 2006 10 30

  8. I totoally want a Mai Tai, or a Mai Tei. Actually, I want both.

    (I’ve spelled it that way before and been informed that people are NOT talking about a lovely rum drink. Dayam.)

    By Mrs. Flinger on 2006 10 30

  9. Oh yeah. I hear you. Totally.

    We had an all-out tantrum/chase combo at the so-quiet-you-could-hear-half-
    a-pin-drop library the other day. Complete with laying on the floor, kicking, and crying. JOY!

    Then he’ll go and do something precious the next minute.

    Otherwise, as you say, who’d ever reproduce again?!

    By Marie on 2006 10 30

  10. And oh God, I hear you on spilling the precious drops of organic milk. Drink every last incredibly expensive drop!! GAH!

    By Marie on 2006 10 30

  11. You’ve got it all figured out. smile

    Just when you’re ready to get rid of them, they throw you a bone!

    By Ficklechick on 2006 10 30

  12. She’s a kindred spirit just like Gianna. You splained it so well! Gianna would be in SOOOOOOOO much more trouble if she wasn’t so damn cute. I guess that goes for LB too :0)

    By kelli on 2006 10 30

  13. You’ve summed up the frustrating/ rewarding scenario very well!

    Kids.

    By Holly on 2006 10 30

  14. Totally agree with you on the right shoes and accessories.

    Hang in there with the tantrums. I don’t think they ever really go away. They just get less frequent. Yesterday I had a 10, 8, and 4 year old having tantrums in separate rooms, while the 2 year old just stood there and giggled.  Seriously… I think she was filing it away for future use.

    By Pippa on 2006 10 30

  15. Couldn’t say it more perfectly Leslie!  “No, my turn” “No, me do it” “NO”  Those phrases are all I hear from day to day to day!  I would like to say it gets better, but that is a bunch of bullshit because the sassiness and independent self still prevails.  Heck that is why I have used the phrase, “She Devil.”  (Of course depending on the day…because JB can be royal cuteness…OCCASIONALLY!)  As for a toddler and an infant?  I refrain from commenting! wink 
    Love your post!

    By traci on 2006 10 30

  16. For some reason when you said “milk in the jeans”, I literally pictured lakes of milk inside the cuffs and pockets of jeans. I laughed. Now people are looking at me like I’m crazy.

    By Jay on 2006 10 31

  17. I kept trying to fool myself into thinking that the girls were worse at 3, than 2.
    But I was kidding myself. Shit.

    By Renee on 2006 10 31

  18. Great post, I love the Cave Mom imagery!

    By JC on 2006 10 31

  19. Oh…man…I hate those days and it is nice to hear someone who is as refreshingly honest about it as you are.  Myself and another friend always say, “It’s a good thing you’re as cute as you are…(or else, who knows what the heck I would do to you!)” 
    Hope she gets a little easier and you have many more happy pee dances!

    By sarahgrace on 2006 10 31

  20. I’m flinching from memories of days like this.  My experience with having my two kids with me on outings hasn’t been too bad.  My older daughter has always been much more vocal and demanding, but I guess the firstborn will always be the first to need more.  My baby just kind of watches the show and doesn’t say anything.  I think it’s just entertainment and that’s enough for her to be happy.

    By Jennifer on 2006 10 31