The hope is over

18/Aug/2006

Now we need to just cross fingers/pray/beg/hope for a natural miscarriage. Numbers after 46 hours: 65. I’m now so low in my level, there’s no chance I can carry the baby to term. Instead, they’re talking ectopic vs. natural miscarriage. The best I can hope for is to start bleeding soon and have everything pass (how I hate that term).  I need to convince my body it’s over. Because it is.

I appreciate all the well wishes and hopeful thoughts. I appreciate people who said, “so and so had low levels and everything is ok!” I think now, though, I need to deal with reality. I can’t believe there is going to be a full term baby when my chances are now less than 1%. It’s time to help my body face what is happening and let go of my April due date. Right now I’d like my own body to heal so I can have another chance.

But I’ll ask you. From someone who never had this, who always says the wrong things, who is hopeless when it comes to the right words, what do you want to hear if you’re in this position? What is the best kind of words you can receive? What would make your tears a little less or your face break into a small smile? ‘Cause until this point, I never really knew what anyone would feel like. And y’all. It sucks.

Hi

16 guests here now.

Comments

  1. I’m sorry.  Crying with you.

    By Jan on 2006 08 18

  2. It always comforts me to know (and when people remind me) that it’s not in my hands and never was. There’s a reason for everything… even when something SUCKS like this does.

    In a more medical sense, it’s always comforting to read/hear that these early m/c are so so SO incredibly common. In this day and age of early pregnancy tests and overzealous testers such as ourselves, we find out when sometimes we probably shouldn’t… if this were 20 years ago, we’d be spared emotional roller coaster of early losses.

    I’m so so so sorry… I’m crying for you too. :(  I was holding out hope for you over here.

    Call me if you need to… I’ll listen as long as you need me to. :(

    By Erin on 2006 08 18

  3. I don’t know what to say other than I am so very, very sorry.

    By Shelly on 2006 08 18

  4. I’m not sure there is anything I would have wanted to hear. My losses were devasating, and I know you understand that. I am truly sorry to hear that you’re going through this. And it does suck.

    By Plain Jane Mom on 2006 08 18

  5. Crying tears for you over here.  Other than the obligatories, “I’m so sorry,” and “you will get pregnant again and carry to term,” I cannot think of something I would want to hear more than anything.  I guess I would rather have someone yell along with me when I want to shout “WHY?” and argue the whole uncertainty of it and someone to cry along with me.  I am praying like a madwomen that what needs to pass, passes and soon, so you can move on but even though sounds impossible right now. I’m praying that what’s ahead will be much easier than you imagine it to be.  I’m praying for you to sleep peacefully tonight.
    So very sorry Leslie.

    By Beckik on 2006 08 18

  6. I am so sorry!

    By Brandi on 2006 08 18

  7. I’m so sorry Leslie. I don’t know what else to say except that I love you and I’m praying for you. I’m here for you if and when you want to talk, or cry, or have me blab about my mundane problems to take your mind off your own, just so you can forget for a moment or two. Love you.

    By Paige (CoraBelle) on 2006 08 18

  8. My cousin miscarried 3 times, I never knew what to say.  She was older when she got married, now shes 38 and finally out of the danger zone with their first baby.  Im so sorry for you.  It will happen, youll have a little brother or sister for LB and they will be healthy and happy.

    By Sara on 2006 08 18

  9. Words don’t necessarily make anything go away.  I think the greatest and most comforting knowledge I heard was that ‘I wasn’t alone.’  Although you do end up feeling like you are the only one. After my first miscarriage I became over protective of how early I told people when were pregnant.  I am not one who likes a lot of attention drawn to themselves and once I had to tell people about our loss, I felt so on the spot.  Raw and exposed.  I think it all depends on your personality.  Some people really want the comfort of others, while others may take it differently. 

    You are young and healthy!  Someone else chose that this wasn’t the right time and soon it will be the right time again.  We live in a time now where we can find out about our pregnancies at such an early stage.  At times I think this is very helpful, but at times it can be very detrimental. 

    I am thinking about you Les and sending lots of my love your way.  And Bob too.

    By traci on 2006 08 18

  10. Can’t say anything other than I am thinking about you and praying for you.

    By RB on 2006 08 18

  11. Oh, honey! :(  I am seriously heartbroken for you!

    When I had my m/c before Travis was conceived…. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling happy again.  God, I cried so much, there weren’t any tears left. 

    But, you do heal.  At least as much as you can.  And later, when you get pregnant again. (Because you WILL!) And then worry about every little thing the whole pregnancy. (Because you WILL!) And you carry another baby to term. (Because YOU WILL!)

    Later, after you’ve gone through the hard labor, and after everyone has cleared out of your birthing suite.  Later, when you’re looking at the most perfect face you’ve ever seen…. and then you know, that without your previous loss you would never know this new little perfect person?

    That makes it worth all the pain, all the sorrow, all the worry, and all the tears.

    Love to you, sweetie!

    Christine

    By christine on 2006 08 18

  12. I am so very, very sorry.  Wishing you much healing and strength.

    By S. on 2006 08 18

  13. I desperately want to say something that will bring comfort & hope to you, while realizing that in times like this you don’t want to hear about how others went through the same thing, or were later sucessful, or even that you’re in my prayers. Sometimes there aren’t words.

    I’m sorry you’re having to go through this right now. And you should do what ever will give you some measure of comfort. That includes not having to worry about being a ‘good’ blogger and replying to everyone who comments - unless that helps.

    I will say thank you for how much your blog means to me. I respect your courage (b/c laying it all out there takes more guts than I’ve got) and your humor (b/c dang, you’ve got wonderful style). So thanks for sharing it all and because you have, you have a lot more people out there who may never meet you in person, but our hearts go out to you.

    By Christy on 2006 08 18

  14. I am so sorry.  I haven’t lost a baby before and I don’t know the magic words to say but, if you would like someone to listen, please feel free to contact me.

    By Becky on 2006 08 18

  15. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I knew the exact words to make you feel better, but just know I am thinking and praying for you.

    By Jamie on 2006 08 18

  16. I’m sorry

    By Monica on 2006 08 18

  17. I was in your position about two months ago, Mrs. Flinger. I was pregnant with our first and as far as I knew everything was going well (I was about 8w). Then one day I just started bleeding and soon after I miscarried. There was no reason or cause and nothing that anyone could say to make me feel better. Up until about two weeks ago, I was still crying. You have experienced a loss no matter how far along you were. You just have to let the tears roll and know it was not your fault. Good luck, hun!

    P.S. Avoid anyone who is pregnant or currently has a newborn for a while ? it?s been two months and I still get weepy whenever I pass the baby stores in the mall.

    By HollyH on 2006 08 18

  18. I am so sorry! My thoughts are with you.

    By Chrissy on 2006 08 18

  19. I, too, don’t have the words, but I do know how heartbreaking it is down deep inside.  I like to believe that it just wasn’t God’s will for a baby right this instant.  He knows what is best for us, and we have to trust in His bigger plan.  I am constantly thinking of you, Bob, and LB…

    By Charla on 2006 08 18

  20. You’re very brave to share this experience with us. My heart goes out to you.

    Hugs & Blessings!

    By Brittany on 2006 08 18