I just signed up my daughter for swimming. On the surface, this sentence isn’t anything fantastic. The reality is, though, that swimming here is very “cut throat”. This is the third session I’ve either stayed up late or gotten up very very early to sign her up online. My heart races. My knees shake. Picture 1984 Cabbage Patch Kid Craze where parents are yelling, “Back of, bitch!” as the doors open to Toys R Us.
As the page loaded with only one spot left I practically yelled out, “BACK OFF, BITCH”
I’m not a horrifically competitive person by nature, choosing personal sports like gymnastics and track instead of team sports. (Side note: I have no hand-eye-coordination whatsoever so don’t let me blow too much smoke up your ass like it was an actual choice. Ball sports and I are like Brittney Spears and Good Judgment. We don’t mesh.) I was all in to the “personal record” shit so that I wouldn’t have to live with the letting-down of a team.
Today, though? I did not let The Team down.
And so my daughter will have the coveted swimming lessons. She will go to the indoor pool. She will wear her bathing suit. She will sit on the edge kicking her little legs in the water wating for her turn to do “Motor Boat Motor Boat.”
And dammit, she will like it. Or else.
OH NO! Look at LB! Holy crap, when did she become a true little girl? SIGH. If she’s anything like B, she will ADORE the water and you’ll have a tough time getting her out!
By Katie Kat on 2008 07 24
Bitches backed off, didn’t they?
By ben on 2008 07 24
Oh look at the cutie pie going into swim lessons! I bet she’ll love it. (Walking away smiling and muttering ‘Britney Spears and Good Judgment’ that lady CRACKS ME UP…)
By syd on 2008 07 24
Reminds me NEVER to cross you!
By Vic @ glowstars on 2008 07 24
oh, i know! it’s like that here too. ...because everyone wants to get in at the “better” times and days. i force the husband to do it…he’s much more forceful than i…;)
By ali on 2008 07 24
I was up at 6:00 a.m. on April 1st to sign Charlie up for spots in the coveted outdoor warm water pool. He begins session #2 today and he better like it better than session 1! I am also not competitive by nature, but for some reason when it comes to getting Charlie into these coveted swimming and preschool slots I go a little ape shit.
By andrea on 2008 07 24
Can I just start singing… ‘You light up my life..” ? Because you seriously make me grin so big!
Thank you for the laugh and she damn well better love those lessons!
By rachel on 2008 07 24
She is adorable! I’ll bet she swims like a fish!
By heartache heartburn on 2008 07 24
Dang, that kid is so cute!
“Ball sports and I are like Brittney Spears and Good Judgment. We don?t mesh.”
heh heh heh heh. You get funnier every day. How u do that?
Just wait until LB’s in with the Polar Bears and Sea Lions, learning to dive, and the Nazi swim coach starts screaming at her. But she’s underwater. And can’t hear. Then the Nazi swim coach screams at YOU, “SHE’S NOT LISTENING!” and you almost bitch-slap her because “SHE’S UNDERWATER! STOP SCREAMING AT MY KID!”
Yeah, you have not seen competition yet. You’re just warming up, little guppy.
By Wacky Mommy on 2008 07 24
I remember the days of swimming lessons. It was cut throat here too, how funny!
That picture is precious!
By Friglet on 2008 07 24
Geeez she’s cute!
And I’m sure those bitches heard you demanding they back off telepathically.
By Maria0305 on 2008 07 24
You are the best! Here in Utah if you want swimmin (not swimming but swimmin) lessons you have to sell your sole to the devil. They sell out in one hour for the whole summer. I tried to sign up for mommy and me swimming and didn’t get it. Later on Craigslist I see people selling their kids spot for $200. Damn Mormon’s aren’t so honest after all.
By Rachael on 2008 07 26
I’m putting that one off until next year. Or maybe forever.
By Renee on 2008 07 29
Reminds me of the Guns n Roses song “back off bitch”. Here comes the rude people..
By Vespa on 2008 08 04