Mrs. Flinger

WednesdayApr, 28, 2010

How to not write like a douche

Listen up, Blogosphere. This is part 1 of a 3 part series.

That’s right. What I have to say is so important, I am going to do it in three installments. This? Is number one.

Here is a short post on how to not write like a douche.

Its, It’s
Its is possessive. The book is torn and its page is wrinkled.
It’s is a contraction of it and is. It’s about to rain.

You’re vs Your
Editors note: This one makes my tongue curl to the back of my throat and sputter strange noises only gophers understand, so listen up.
You’re is a contraction of YOU and ARE. You’re going to DIE when I tell you this!
Your is possessive. Your husband is getting you beer.
(Maybe you’re still confused? Go here.)

Their, There, They’re
Their is possessive. Their dog just pooped on the floor. Their shoes are moldy.
There is a location. You can find the cup over there.
They’re is a contraction of THEY and ARE. They’re going to catch a plane.

Here vs Hear
Here is location. (Similar to THERE. In fact, this is how I remember this. THERE and HERE are locations - both abstract and real.) We have the best coffee here
Hear is what you do with your ears. In fact, EAR is in the word HEAR. Did you hear that? You can remember now!

Apostrophe’s
People? THAT IS WRONG.
Apostrophes are for showing possession (or contraction). It is NOT for plural.

:: taps glass to computer screen ::

Apostrophes are not for plural.

So, let’s say (oh! see what I did? LET US = let’s) we want to tell everyone we have a moms club.

It is not a Mom’s Club. That is one mom’s club (perhaps she’s a cave-woman or a police-woman.)

We have WOMEN’S RIGHTS.

We own cats. We have a cat’s kennel. I hate cats.

Confused? Read this and then take your new knowledge to mock and point at stupid people.

Spelling
Who the fuck cares? That’s what spell check is for.

ThursdayFeb, 04, 2010

Avatar + Rush Limbaugh = Me

Small fact:

This is your brain.

This is your brain completely consumed on the dream house you are still waiting to hear about while playing cat - n - mouse with the Dept. of Ed.

(Your brain is the fleshy delicious goodness of pig fat in this scenario.)

Update: If this goes much longer my pig fat will be grilled and buttered before I have the chance to pick out colors for the new living room.

The professional translation of that statement as told to me by my broker? “We’re getting closer.”

I hear: Your brain tastes great around green beans OMNOMNOM

*************** Now back to our story ************

We, like everyone else on the first-world-commercial-industrialized-planet (even, though questionable, the Vice President) saw Avatar a few weeks back. We loved it. LOVED IT. It was enough to make me want to chain myself to a tree. Almost seriously.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I am switzerland. I am so mid-ground it’s dumb. To a conservative I’m a crazy lib. To a democrat I’m a tightass repubilcan.

In reality, I just sit back and laugh that HAHA You’re an Ass and You’re a huge mofo. Why, peeps, why the animals?

If I had to pick an animal to be, I’d probably pick this hodgepodge:

I think one can possess both strong views on each side of the fence. I think it’s possible to not run down party lines. I think it’s possible to listen to Rush Limbaugh because he reminds you of your dad and listening to him is a little like being home without the 4 hour flight and 300 dollar ticket while simultaneously believing it’s good to do what you can for the environment.

I call this LOGIC.

I’ve recently had the opportunity to review my beliefs. It’s nice to take time to re-evaluate where you are in your beliefs and how you’re prioritizing your life. It comes down to this:

My family.
My friends.
My work.

I know we sometimes get off-balance in our house. We’re a little “off” right now. But in general, even if we do not go to church (someone in the back! FAN MY MOTHER BEFORE SHE FAINTS) we still take to heart the family values and believe in building each other up. We spend quality time together. I work to provide healthy, clean, good meals. We give the kids love, consequences, structure and more love.

In general, I’m just not a fan of Big Brother. No matter what He looks like. Government, Taxes, Policies, or The Department Of Ed. In my experiences I’ve found the more layers of “stuff” there is before you can get to a decision maker, the harder it is to feel connected as a person, to have the power to make changes, and the confidence to stand up on your own two feet.

Which is why I’m a Rush Limbaugh avatar living in a tree feeling connected to the earth while yelling, “NO MORE TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION” and telling people to help each other but for the love of GOD if you can stand up and help DO IT or I will come spank you.

In a nutshell.

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